


Body Swap

by TheCrazyGeek



Category: The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack, Masturbation, Multi, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-23
Updated: 2013-05-29
Packaged: 2017-12-12 18:30:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/814655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCrazyGeek/pseuds/TheCrazyGeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam, Nicola and Malcolm wake up in bodies different to the ones they went to bed in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wake up to experiment

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this one is pure crackfic and what little plot there is is an excuse for smut. So, here goes with part 1 of the Body Swap, Malcolm/Nicola/Sam fic.
> 
> And whatever gods watch over filthy writers please accept my apologies….

When Malcolm awoke on the Saturday he immediately knew something was wrong. The thousand small aches and pains of a body ageing not so gracefully were gone, the pounding headache he always woke up with wasn't present either. He dimly recalled getting into some kind of twitter flame war last night with some random people on the net but he'd not been out getting shitfaced with Jamie or anything else that would explain the lack of clarity about the night before.

"Fuck it" he said out loud and swung his legs out of bed, pivoting himself up and standing up to grab a dressing gown and get a coffee. Out of the corner of his eye he saw an unfamiliar person move in the mirror and he spun round, ready to give the strange naked person in his room a force 10 bollocking.

Only to see the naked form of Nicola Murray mirroring his gestures in the mirror.

"You have got tae be fucking shitting me"

..  
A quick phone call to Nicola Murray ensued where she was staying at a hotel in between engagements, and Malcolm had to give her credit, there weren't any screams when she realised she wasn't in the body she'd gone to bed in. It wasn't until a few minutes into the call that his shock-addled brain realised what was wrong here. Her voice wasn't male, but it wasn't hers either.

"Sam?"

....

Sam was woken by her phone ringing with the ringtone she'd programmed for her boss ("Hope Street" by the Levellers. It reminded her of him) and sat up, rummaging for her phone and ignoring the various aches she'd woken up with. God she had to stop going out so late with the girls.  
"Hello Malcolm" she said, puzzling over why her voice seemed to have dropped a few octaves. Surely she hadn't been smoking again?  
"Hello pet" came a female voice, "before ye say anything I don't fucking know how this happened but...oh fuck, can ye tell me what ye see in a mirror?"  
When she looked and saw her boss, stark naked and with a prominent 'morning glory' going on she screamed.

.........

After Malcolm had managed to calm Sam down they started trying to figure out what had happened. It was, predictably, Malcolm who received the anonymous email stating the revenge cast in them for being rude in one way or another to a certain female. Malcolm by abusing her via Twitter, Sam by spilling her drink on her at the club and Nicola by cutting in front of her at Neros.  
And of course, the lass turned out to be a fucking sorceress. 

Nicola totally forbade Malcolm to handle the communication back to the wronged party, fearing they'd be stuck in these bodies for an additional day for every abusive word out of Malcolm's mouth. She had no real desire to be Sam from now until Christmas. 2016.

After some serious pleading and a promise to donate to various good causes, the sorceress agreed they'd be back in their own bodies at sundown that day.

Which just left the rest of the day to kill. Unable to go out in public.

.......

Sam had honestly tried to get up and just ignore the fact she was a man for the next 8 hours. It wasn't considered proper for a PA to know what her boss looked like naked after all.

But she was curious, and always been attracted to Malcolm, and he'd never know....

It felt very different as a man. She pushed aside the thought that she was touching Malcolm’s naked body and reached down to stroke her cock. As she gently stroked it she felt it harden and grow until it was standing away from her body.  
Good size too. She thought. Not overly large, nor too thick, slightly curved. She clasped her hand tight around the shaft and moaned. God, no wonder men liked this. It felt like she needed to push into something warm and welcoming.  
She hadn't meant to do much beyond a quick look and touch. Now she shrugged aside the misgivings she had about essentially giving Malcolm a hand job and licked her palm, replacing it on her erection and starting to stroke firmly up and down.

Her phone buzzed with a message as she was writhing and pushing her hips up into her hand, panting with desire she read the text.  
 _'I know what you are doing. I don't mind. Just don't break it – M.x'_

She nearly stopped then, cheeks flushing red at the thought of him knowing what she was doing. But it felt too good. Different to when she pleasured herself back in her own body. Heavier, a strong weighty feeling that grew with every stroke of her hand. Pre-come started to bead at the tip of her erection and she swirled it around the head with her thumb, biting her lip at just how good that felt and how hard she was.

The slip slap as her hand moved faster spurred her on and she reached between her legs to feel her balls, tight and drawn up. She wondered if Malc and Nicola were doing similar and suddenly had an image of Nicola running her hands over Sam's naked body, moaning while Malcolm did the same over Nicola's body and...

Oh

God

Sam clenched her fist tight around her hard shaft, trying to stop, to make this last, but it was too late. She breathed deep, moaning as the weight between her legs grew to an unbearable level and her cock thickened in her hand. She barely had time to pull her bedclothes out of the way before she was coming, her head tilted back and come splattering on her stomach.

 

She was still panting when her phone buzzed again.

_Jesus wee Nicola can go like a fucking firecracker. There is definitely something to be said for this multiple orgasm thing. - M.x._

..

Nicola was wrapped in a dressing gown waiting for whatever plan Malcolm had to apologise to whoever he'd pissed off came to fruition and she got her own body back. Not that there was anything wrong with Sam's of course. She'd got a look in the mirror when she was looking for something to put on. Same height as Nicola but younger, and quite obviously never had kids with the total lack of stretch marks. Thicker waist but longer legs and her skin was nigh on perfect, pale, but not the near albino of her boss. Hair not as full of body as Nicola's though and boobs were smaller. Jesus, she thought, I'm not getting jealous of someone younger than me.

Malcolm is in your body her mind repeated, complete with a disgustingly detailed picture of what he could be up to with it. Fucking hell, he would. He would take great delight in at least pretending to her that he'd spent an hour or so exploring her body, watching her blush in embarrassment as he listed all the things she liked to be done to her...

Gods sake. She stretched out on the bed (having locked the door securely against prying staff who might wonder why the person in room 418 kept changing faces) and tried to get engrossed in a book on the kindle that always travelled with her. Her phone buzzed and for a second she jumped, thinking it was the start of Malcolm's filthy language, but it was from Sam and simply said _"I don't mind. S."_


	2. The phone call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Nicola share a phone call...and filth ensues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot? What plot?

Phone conversation between Sam and Nicola:

‘I don’t mind – S’

Sam’s phone rang half an hour later while she was contemplating taking a long bath (Malcolm’s body, due to the age, did have a few more aches and pains than her usual one).

“Hi, it’s Nicola” came her own voice from the other end of the line. “God this is weird”

“I’m hearing my own voice coming back at me, I don’t think ‘weird’ is enough of a word for it” Sam replied. “But you’re hearing this in Malcolm’s voice so-“

“Weird. God, what’s it like in his body?”

The resultant conversation was interesting. Sam was remarkably free with the information about the various foibles and faults of Malcolm’s body and when she talked about the prominent mole on his bum Nicola surprised herself by falling into gales of laughter. It was rare to get any personal information on the Scots wolf and finding out about this, and his dodgy back, the aching joints, the wheezy morning lungs was pure comedy gold for Nicola.

“Who’d have thought he was such a physical wreck!” she chortled but stopped suddenly as Sam replied “well…not all of him is wrecked”.

“You…looked?”

“Hard not to. Pun intended”

The silence drew on for a few minutes. Sam couldn’t quite believe she just said that and Nicola sure as hell couldn’t believe she just heard it. Were they seriously going to have a conversation about what Malcolm was packing in his trousers?

Apparently, yes.

…..

‘Malcolm has got nothing to be ashamed of’ Sam made herself a cup of tea as she carried on talking on the phone. ‘Mind you, it’s no monster either’ she grinned to herself as she heard a faint chuckle at the other end.

….

‘So, what did you mean by not minding earlier?’ Nicola asked as she remembered what she had phoned about originally.

‘Well, I assumed you’d be….well…looking. Like I did’

‘Looking?’

‘Okay, slightly more than looking’

‘You didn’t…touch him? Surely?’ Nicola didn’t know whether to be horrified or perversely aroused but the body she was in definitely knew. Her breathing deepened and her thighs dampened at the thought of Sam gently exploring Malcolm’s early morning wood. Stroking it, handling its warmth, feeling the sensations…

Sam heard the faint moan at the other end of the line and then felt a stirring underneath the dressing gown she’d thrown on earlier. ‘I did’ she breathed, the erection slowly growing between her legs making her bold. ‘I spent a while stroking him to see what it was like’.

Nicola gasped, the heat between her legs flaring. ‘Tell me what it was like’

Settling back onto the sofa in her flat with the cup of tea growing cold next to her, Sam slowly undid the cord of her gown and bit her lip as her erection slowly rose in front of her eyes. ‘You really want to know what I did Nicola?’ she practically purred, ‘I’ll tell you’.

‘Please’ Nicola replied, her hand moving across her young body almost of its own volition.

Sam held her erection gently between thumb and forefinger and started a slow circular rolling movement. ‘I was lying there, hard as hell, a desperate need to be touched flooding through me so I did. As soon as I wrapped my hand around it I couldn’t help but moan. It’s so intense, you can feel every ridge of your fingers against it’

Nicola slid her hand across one breast, tweaking the nipple savagely. ‘Go on’

‘I felt this overwhelming desire to be…inside something or someone. I needed to push into something warm. This body knows what it likes’. Sam raised her hand up, licking it quickly before replacing it around her hardness. ‘I stroked up and down slowly and closed my eyes, everything was just too intense to keep them open. It felt so hot under my hand, my stomach tensing and relaxing after every stroke.’

‘Oh god’ Nicola breathed. Her hand moved away from her breast and began to shift down between her thighs that were currently rubbing together as Sam continued her description. She’d never been so turned on. Not from anything James did, nor any previous boyfriend, nor even during her own nightly touches where she sought a comedown from the tension of the day.

‘Are, are you-?’ Sam’s voice quivered slightly as she heard Nicola moan again.

‘Yes. Are you?’

‘God yes’

‘Continue. Please, Sam’ Nicola’s fingers slipped easily into the wet warmth between her legs. She knew on a purely rational basis that having phone sex with the PA of a person like Tucker was guaranteed a force 11 bollocking later but at the moment she didn't care. The noises and gasps coming from the person on the phone were extremely arousing and while it was Malcolm's voice; the inflections and accent were pure Sam.

Nicola looked down at her naked body spread out across the bed and realised that Sam really did have a very nice body, and so responsive. Even the merest circle of fingertip to her clit was more than enough to send her panting.

'I had to pull my knees up and apart, allowing some of the cool morning air to spread over my cock and I reached lower. God it was amazing, my hand was getting slick from the pre-come seeping out.' Sam sighed in pure pleasure as her body repeated the actions of earlier and hardened further in her grip. Right now it didn't matter who she was talking to; she knew she was going to come again soon, but having Nicola stroking her own body on the other end of the line was an unbelievable bonus. 

Sam heard Nicola moan and couldn't resist asking her what she was doing, even though she knew very well what produced those sort of noises from her throat.

'God, Sam' came the gasp from the other end, 'you know, you must know, it's your body after all'

'But how about if I told you I'm rock hard listening to you, that its making me stroke myself and if you keep this up I'm going to come all over the place again?'

Oh Jesus. Nicola thought desperately, the PA is just as filthy as her boss. Somehow her hand had worked itself between her legs without her noticing and was gently teasing around her clit with her fingers, pausing only to swipe up some of the wetness pooling between her thighs. She no longer cared about the deeper ramifications of what they were doing, she just needed to come.

Sam was still speaking, albeit more breathlessly. 'Are you feeling the same? Hot, needing to come?'

All notions of professionalism had shot out of Nicola's head about half an hour ago. She wasn't as good a filthy talker as Sam (and no guesses where Sam got that little skill) but managed to reply, 'God yes, I've not been this turned on-'

'- in years' Sam finished and Nicola nodded, forgetting that Sam couldn't see her.

'I like it rough' Sam moaned and Nicola sped the actions of her hand up, gritting her teeth as faint muscular spasms became stronger and her knees spread apart. 'I like to be shoved onto the nearest surface and fucked hard', Nicola whimpered at this and Sam carried on. 'Pinch your nipples hard, it'll feel great' she instructed and Nicola did, moaning at the sharp spike of pleasure this caused, massaging her clit with one hand as the other savagely tweaked at her breasts.

'I'm so hard' Sam moaned, increasing the speed of her strokes. 'I can feel the come building up inside me'. Her cock twitched violently in her grasp as she heard Nicola's faint whimpers on the phone and the frantic rustle of fabric on skin as they both worked themselves harder.

Nicola was the first to break, a harsh 'oh' sound tripping from her mouth as her body spasmed and clenched in waves of sheer pleasure, wetness soaking her thighs. She regained her breath just in time to hear Sam cry out an impressive string of expletives before moaning deeply and loudly as she obviously came herself.

….

A day later they were back in their own bodies and mercifully none the worse for wear considering they'd had different drivers at the wheel for a day. No mention was ever made about the previous day but if anybody noticed that the three of them spent more time together than before..well...they had the good sense not to mention it.....


End file.
